For the first time…

So much to share and remember.

First. Thanks everyone who visits, and an even bigger thanks everyone I have visted. You have given me guidence and alternative avenues without even knowing.

Poly challenge.

I am not new to wanting many people in my life or loving many of them. I have been married for over 20 years and lets say this, marriage my friends is NOT perfect. It is a challenge. Sometimes everyday. What marriage can be is a stable rock. A touchstone. Comforting home space. So the challenge is balence, being healthy and happy.

That being said

The couch *erotic warning*

The first day…angle.

Along with planting trees (work in progress, old post) my first college class in ages starts today. I have taken continue education classes. This is different.

This is…weird.

Yeah. I said weird. In that unfamiliar, holy shit, what have I done, but damn its cool sort of way.

Putting the worry aside. Lets peek at these cool shots I took on the first….its all in the angle.

hugs~moon

Not to be…or to be!

Three things that are not to be in 2019:

-a new years resolution. (Dislike those intensly, most times because I can NEVER make them work as I vision.)

-a new leaf turning (old leafs have their charm and place.)

-over worry, over revisting, over the top (Everyone knows we do these, its cutting ourselves off when it will no longer do any good.)

And the to be‘s of 2019:

Again not any of the typical new years stuff. These are things that I do already. I just need a wee bit more of them.

-Believe in myself. My photos, my path and my decisions. (Most time *waves hands* they are sound, but beliving that and owning it. Sometimes they aren’t and thats ok to.)

-One can ONLY change oneself. (No need for further discussion on this one)

-Be kind, be strong and smile.

Happy 2019, thanks if you have visted before. If not, welcome to my small piece of the world.

(We all get somewhere…a few of us are a litttttle slower than the others.)

Needed and Desired – Interactions

Interaction is the word of the day.
This made me think of the many many interactions I have thru out my personal daily routine.
Physical and mental.

Some needed:
-Touching. Of a non sexual nature. This is a strange statement, because sexual can be desired and wanted also. But needed is the purer version of touch.
-Talking. This can be just a rambling discussion or specific topic discussion.
-Extreme opposite is the need for no interaction. The feeling of quiet and peace.
-Space. Leave me this area to move my thoughts.

Some desired:
-Those pesky social media interactions. Can I get a like on this meme? Post. Approval. Am I worthy. Gah. So I find it is better if I don’t mindlessly surf. If I look and comment with intent and then leave.
-Will you touch me like that? But NOT like that?
-Cats head butt and rubs under your hand.
-Patting trees hello.

Funny if you think about it what interactions we have…

Feels for the day…

Do you have anxiety?

Does certain things trigger it more than others?

So in the quest for understanding and happiness, I have been trying to be VERY honest with my husband.

“You make me feel x when this happens. I don’t know why I feel x, but tis happens when this happens.”

An example is from yesterday.

Had decided to go on a hike on sat. No big deal. So got up in the morning and after some morning sex and trying to decide…do I want something to eat now…he is ready to go.

Whoa whoa whoa…damnit I am not sure if I want to eat something. If its going to rain. If I need gloves. Now you are waiting for me.

Oh boy the feels.

This may not be big feels for some of you. For me though, it sends the anxiety sky high. It makes me want to curl up and hide. Which is on me. Not him.

I can’t change him. But I can tear apart my response to x stimulus. I can tell him. I can tell myself I am ok. That the situation is ok.

And damnit we are going to have fun…and…we did.

Happy Birthday to meee … hike one

Gold Myer hotsprings.
This little gem is located in the Baker-Snoqualmie National forest of the PNW. Great website: http://www.goldmyer.org/visit.php?m=4

check it out if you are interested. Limited space etc.
Anyway…
Decided to book myself a quiet day. Day trip and camping.

Camping:
-Set up the rain fly perfectly. Stayed dry. Didn’t end up with a puddle underneath my tent either. PNW isn’t known for dry winters, FYI.
-Use the rain cover for the backpack next time(note to self). When the pack gets wet. It weighs more. Shocking I know.
-Freeze dried scrambled eggs are super yummy.
-The river plays a wonderful music to sleep to and look out and watch from your shelter. Kinda magical.

Hot springs:
-Clothing optional. So that means do what you are comfortable with. Me. I like being naked. Apparently a bunch of other youngins do to. *grin*
-So many boobs, balls and butts. LOL.
-People really like to talk when naked. Like they couldn’t hang nude with someone without sharing name ect. Really fun. Nice group. Flute player and all.
-People reacts: …lady… covering your nipples at this point AFTER you are in the water, is just to late. Your well groomed lady parts are very well defined. Mister. Does your penis ever deflate, not that it has to but…my goodness.
-Morning soak was perfect. Me. The hotsprings. Flashlight.

Other bits of happiness:
-cat tracks (i think) of some sort on the way down.

-a white bunny.
-frozen puddle snowflakes
-10 miles total at least. Hike 1 of my 52 hike adventure.

Tangled

Some heavy stuff last couple of posts. Even more pressing in person.

Write more. Social media less. I think (could change) that will be my short term goal.

The rose hip and the lichen.

Found these tangled in almost winters embrace.

Week in Review: The crash, burn and recovery.

Going to just lay it out there. Any observations or comments are appreciated.

Marriage. I do not believe that marriages that last 20 years plus are the beautiful things that FB, social media or our expectations have shows us. I think, that there is much hidden that maybe no one will ever know about these marriages. Secrets. Coping skills. Probably hatred at some point. Love for sure in all its various stages. My two bits there.

I am of the opinion that one person cannot be an everything for someone. Which is why I think we may be close with extended family members, friends etc. These become our others, sounding boards and foundation. I personally love the people that surround me in my life. They make life the amazing thing that it is for me. As well as some quiet time for myself thrown in.

Poly. After knowing these two things above. I wanted to persue an extended relationship while being married to my husband.
I broached the subject multiple times…
He didn’t hear me, didn’t remember me speaking of it.
There were many things in the back ground of my decision. Multiple IRS issues. His independence, or lack of. Wanting more sexual grounding and change.
Finally I joined a dating site.
He was angry. But no discussion or acknowledgement.
I was due to go on a meet and greet, didn’t want to go without him being aware.

I like the honest poly motto.
I opened a discussion about it.

A complete horrid crash and burn of words and emotions.

Even worse. Our 16 yr old son heard everything. Then he told his sister the 18 yr old who is on her first military deployment in Korea (Still won’t talk to me).

The emotions tossed back and forth like the tide for a couple days.

Then he said. “What is my time line.” Uh. Um. I was not ready. I was ready for him to worse case scenario leave me, but not to provide him a time line.

So I folded. I said. As we lay in bed that night. If you want me to not follow this path. Fine. But its not for you I do this. Its because you made me into a bad mother and it was the one thing I felt I was really good at. I also don’t want you to blow your head off as you so eloquently put it. I also love you.

If this love turns to hate. That will be on you.

A day passed.

As we were driving out for a hike. I layed my feelings out for him. Tried to explain why this path. Why I needed more.

He does not understand the sharing of myself and my body with another person still. But maybe we can work on that.

He has made promises that, I asked him out right if they real, because I don’t know if I believed him. I still don’t know what real looks like in regards to this.

What we did have the MOST in depth conversations we have had in over a decade. With no judgment. Just curiosity. Being realistic on what I am looking for and need. Sexual and otherwise. This has been over the last week.

I know I have left alot of the details out, but there are plenty of trees to plant.

I do know. Right now. At this moment I am happy.

The most hurtful things…

Being told:
-That your behavior is like the ex wife of 20 years ago.
-That what you are doing now is what exactly what you did to the ex boyfriend 20 plus years ago.
-That your son knows because the husband blew up and he heard everything, then told his sister, who thinks its all your fault. So wont say hi or I love you.
-Being told that all you want is sex. When really you want more. Relationship. Love. Being able to love. Yes, sex may happen.
-That if you went out on a meeting with someone else. That he will sit on the couch because he cant imagine doing anything else, and he will probably blow his head off.

Feeling that:
-That your chest wont stop hurting.
-That you can’t express exactly what you need, or want in a way that doesn’t make you sound selfish.
-There is no avenue or pathforward.
-That you want to curl up and hide.
-That, planting hundreds of trees may be a good answer (yeah right?)