Going to just lay it out there. Any observations or comments are appreciated.
Marriage. I do not believe that marriages that last 20 years plus are the beautiful things that FB, social media or our expectations have shows us. I think, that there is much hidden that maybe no one will ever know about these marriages. Secrets. Coping skills. Probably hatred at some point. Love for sure in all its various stages. My two bits there.
I am of the opinion that one person cannot be an everything for someone. Which is why I think we may be close with extended family members, friends etc. These become our others, sounding boards and foundation. I personally love the people that surround me in my life. They make life the amazing thing that it is for me. As well as some quiet time for myself thrown in.
Poly. After knowing these two things above. I wanted to persue an extended relationship while being married to my husband.
I broached the subject multiple times…
He didn’t hear me, didn’t remember me speaking of it.
There were many things in the back ground of my decision. Multiple IRS issues. His independence, or lack of. Wanting more sexual grounding and change.
Finally I joined a dating site.
He was angry. But no discussion or acknowledgement.
I was due to go on a meet and greet, didn’t want to go without him being aware.
I like the honest poly motto.
I opened a discussion about it.
A complete horrid crash and burn of words and emotions.
Even worse. Our 16 yr old son heard everything. Then he told his sister the 18 yr old who is on her first military deployment in Korea (Still won’t talk to me).
The emotions tossed back and forth like the tide for a couple days.
Then he said. “What is my time line.” Uh. Um. I was not ready. I was ready for him to worse case scenario leave me, but not to provide him a time line.
So I folded. I said. As we lay in bed that night. If you want me to not follow this path. Fine. But its not for you I do this. Its because you made me into a bad mother and it was the one thing I felt I was really good at. I also don’t want you to blow your head off as you so eloquently put it. I also love you.
If this love turns to hate. That will be on you.
A day passed.
As we were driving out for a hike. I layed my feelings out for him. Tried to explain why this path. Why I needed more.
He does not understand the sharing of myself and my body with another person still. But maybe we can work on that.
He has made promises that, I asked him out right if they real, because I don’t know if I believed him. I still don’t know what real looks like in regards to this.
What we did have the MOST in depth conversations we have had in over a decade. With no judgment. Just curiosity. Being realistic on what I am looking for and need. Sexual and otherwise. This has been over the last week.
I know I have left alot of the details out, but there are plenty of trees to plant.
I do know. Right now. At this moment I am happy.